Relationship counselling can feel like quite a big step, particularly if you've never done anything like it before. Here are answers to some of the questions people often have before getting in touch.
If yours isn't answered here, you're welcome to book a free 10-minute consultation and ask me directly.
Frequently asked questions
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Couples and relationship counselling gives you a structured space to look at what's happening in your relationship or relationships, with the help of someone trained specifically in relationship work.
You don't need to arrive knowing exactly what the problem is. We might look at communication, recurring arguments, emotional or sexual intimacy, trust, affairs, family pressures, life changes, separation — or simply a sense that the relationship isn't working as well as you’d like.
My role isn't to decide who is right. It's to help you understand what's happening between you and what might realistically change.
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Not at all.
Some people come because their relationship is in serious difficulty. Others come because they're noticing patterns they'd rather deal with now than allow to become entrenched.
You might be having the same argument repeatedly, feeling less connected, struggling with a particular decision or simply thinking, we could probably do this better.
If there is one particular issue you'd like help thinking through rather than a need for ongoing counselling, Tuning Up is designed specifically for that.
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That's an extremely common reason to come.
The subject of the argument may change — money one week, housework or sex the next — while the underlying pattern remains remarkably similar.
Relationship counselling can help us slow that pattern down and look at what's happening for each person and how you're responding to one another. Once you can see the cycle rather than simply being caught inside it, you have a much better chance of changing it.
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No — and spending your money on a professional referee probably wouldn't get you very far.
I'll take everyone involved seriously, but that doesn't mean pretending that every action or behaviour is equally helpful. I may challenge you, and I will sometimes be quite direct about what I see happening between you.
The aim isn't to establish a winner. It's to understand the relationship well enough for something to change.
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That's okay. In fact, seeing a little of what actually happens between you can be very useful.
I may let an interaction unfold briefly so I can understand the pattern. I won't, however, sit quietly while you spend fifty minutes having the same argument you could have had for free at home.
I'll usually interrupt, help us look at what just happened and explore whether there's a different way of having the conversation. Occasionally a little humour helps too.
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That's common. You don't all have to arrive equally enthusiastic about therapy.
What matters more is whether everyone taking part is willing to turn up and engage honestly enough for us to see whether the work could be useful.
It's also okay if you're uncertain about the relationship itself, or if different people want different things from it. Counselling doesn't require you to have agreed on the outcome before you begin.
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No.
My job isn't to persuade you to stay together, and it isn't to persuade you to separate.
Sometimes counselling helps people repair and strengthen a relationship. Sometimes it helps people recognise that separation is the right next step. Sometimes the first task is simply working out which of those possibilities is realistic.
The aim is to help you make thoughtful decisions with a clearer understanding of yourselves and your relationship.
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Yes. An affair can create an enormous rupture in trust, but it doesn't automatically mean a relationship is beyond repair.
The work may involve understanding what has happened, making space for the impact of the affair, looking at what preceded it without using that to excuse it, and considering what would be required to rebuild trust.
If an affair is still ongoing, I would normally ask for it to be put on hold if we are going to work meaningfully on the relationship together. That's something we can discuss and agree in an initial session.
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Yes.
Sometimes people come to counselling not knowing whether they want to repair the relationship or leave it. You don't have to make that decision before coming.
Counselling can give you somewhere to understand what's happened, consider what you want and what might be possible.
If you do decide to separate, the work can sometimes shift towards helping you do that more thoughtfully.
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Yes.
A relationship doesn't cease to matter simply because the romantic relationship has ended. Former partners may still need to communicate, make decisions together or establish a different kind of relationship — particularly when they have children.
Where the work is fundamentally about the relationship between you, I'm happy to discuss whether counselling could help.
About relationship counselling
Who I work with
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Absolutely not.
I work with people who are married, civil partnered, living together, dating, living apart, newly together, together for decades, separating or already separated.
You don't need a particular legal status, living arrangement or length of relationship to come to relationship counselling.
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Yes.
I work with people of different sexual orientations and gender identities, and I don't assume that everybody's relationship is heterosexual, monogamous or organised in the same way.
The important thing is understanding your relationship rather than trying to fit it into somebody else's idea of what a relationship ought to look like.
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Yes.
I'm happy to work with people in consensually non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships, including work involving more than two partners where appropriate.
The questions that arise may include communication, boundaries, jealousy, attachment, agreements, changing relationship structures or difficulties within a polycule.
I don't approach monogamy as the default against which other relationships should be judged.
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Yes, provided what you want to work on is relationship-focused.
Although much of my work is with couples and partners together, I also work one-to-one with people who want to understand their relationship patterns, deal with a current relationship difficulty, decide whether to stay or leave, cope with separation, or think about how they relate to partners.
I also work with people who aren't currently in a relationship but want to understand what's been happening in previous relationships or what may be getting in the way of finding and building the relationship they want.
I don't offer general individual counselling for unrelated issues.
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No. My practice is for adults aged 18 and over.
Sex, intimacy and family relationships
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Yes. Sex is part of many relationships, so it would be rather odd if we couldn't talk about it.
We can explore things such as differences in desire, loss of sexual connection, difficulty talking about sex, mismatched expectations, affection and physical intimacy, or changes following parenthood, illness, menopause or other life events.
I am also currently undertaking an MSc in Contemporary Psychosexual Relationship Therapy, developing further specialist training in sex, intimacy and relationships.
I am not yet a qualified psychosexual therapist, so if something requires specialist psychosexual assessment or treatment beyond my current training, I'll be straightforward about that and suggest seeking an appropriately qualified practitioner.
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No.
We talk about what's relevant to your relationship and what you want help with. If sex isn't part of the difficulty, there's no requirement to make it one.
Equally, if sex or physical intimacy is something you're struggling with, you don't need to avoid mentioning it because you're embarrassed or worried that it isn't an appropriate subject for counselling.
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I work with the impact that family life can have on intimate relationships — including parenting, becoming parents, blended families, in-laws and wider family pressures.
I don't, however, provide specialist family therapy involving children or wider family groups. If that's the kind of help you need, a qualified family therapist would be more appropriate.
What happens in counselling?
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For ongoing Closer Harmony counselling, the first session is an assessment as well as the beginning of the work.
We'll talk about what has brought you to counselling, how each person sees what's happening, what you're hoping might change and anything important I need to understand about the relationship.
We'll also consider whether I'm the right person to work with you and, if so, what the work might look like — including its focus, frequency and what we're trying to achieve.
For the one-off two-hour services, I'll arrange a brief conversation with you beforehand. I don't want to use a significant chunk of the two hours gathering basic information that we could have covered in advance.
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For ongoing relationship counselling, I normally recommend weekly sessions, particularly at the beginning.
Consistency helps us build momentum and means we aren't spending each session trying to remember where we got to several weeks earlier.
We can review frequency as the work develops rather than assuming you'll need to come weekly forever.
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There isn't a standard number because relationships and the difficulties people bring are very different.
Some people need relatively focused work; others are trying to change patterns that have developed over many years.
We'll agree what we're working towards and review whether counselling is actually helping. I don't want you attending indefinitely simply because that's what you've always done on a particular day of the week.
If you want something deliberately contained from the outset, Tuning Up and The Overture are both one-off two-hour sessions.
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Sometimes.
Most of the work takes place with the people involved in the relationship together, but there are circumstances where meeting individually can help me understand something more fully or help the work move forward.
If I think an individual conversation would be useful, I'll explain why. It isn't something I require routinely.
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No. If I meet with you individually, what you tell me in that confidential conversation isn't something I will simply disclose to the other person or people involved.
There may, however, be occasions when I think keeping something secret is getting in the way of the relationship work. In that situation, I may encourage you to think about whether and how you could tell the other person or people involved yourself.
As with all counselling, confidentiality has important limits — particularly where there are serious concerns about safety or where disclosure is required by law. We can discuss those boundaries clearly before beginning the work.
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Sometimes.
I'm interested in understanding why a pattern exists, but I'm also interested in helping you change it. That can mean trying something differently between sessions, noticing a particular interaction or practising a different way of responding.
I don't give homework simply for the sake of looking busy. If I suggest something, there should be a reason for it.
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Then we should talk about it.
I want us to be able to ask whether the work is actually moving you towards what you came for. If it isn't, we can look at why: perhaps we need to work differently, perhaps our original goal has changed, or perhaps another kind of support would be more useful.
I'd rather have that conversation openly than allow counselling to continue indefinitely without a clear purpose.
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Possibly.
“Couples counselling” covers a wide range of approaches, and the relationship you have with the counsellor matters too.
It can be useful to think about what didn't work last time. Did everyone feel understood? Was the counsellor too passive — or too directive? Were you trying to achieve different things? Did you understand what you were actually working towards?
A previous experience that wasn't useful doesn't necessarily mean relationship counselling can't help. Tell me what happened last time and we can consider whether my way of working would be meaningfully different.
Practical questions
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I see clients in a private, comfortable ground-floor counselling room in East Oxford, near the city end of Cowley Road.
The room is accessible without stairs.
I'll provide the full address and practical details when we arrange your appointment.
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Yes. I offer counselling by Zoom to clients throughout the UK as well as seeing people in person in Oxford.
Online counselling can be particularly useful if you live outside Oxford, travel frequently or simply find it difficult for everyone involved to get to the same place at the same time.
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I offer a mixture of daytime, evening and weekend appointments, subject to availability.
The booking page shows the appointments currently available.
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Standard Closer Harmony ongoing relationship counselling sessions are 50 minutes and £85.
Removing Discord sessions are also normally 50 minutes and £85, although we can discuss whether a different frequency or session length would be useful in particular circumstances.
Tuning Up is a one-off two-hour session for £175.
The Overture is also a one-off two-hour session for £175.
I also offer a free 10-minute consultation if you'd like a brief conversation before deciding whether to book.
Is relationship counselling with me right for us?
Relationship counselling with me may be useful if…
You keep having versions of the same argument.
Communication has become difficult, defensive or distant.
You've lost some emotional or physical intimacy.
Trust has been damaged.
You're dealing with an affair or another significant rupture.
Parenthood, blended families, illness, work or other pressures have changed your relationship.
You're considering separation or divorce and need somewhere to think.
You're not in crisis but want your relationship to work better.
You're willing to look not only at what others are doing, but also at your own part in the relationship.
When I may not be the right person
Relationship counselling isn't appropriate in every situation, and part of working responsibly is recognising when a different kind of support is needed.
I may recommend another service where there are concerns about immediate safety, domestic abuse, coercive or controlling behaviour, acute mental-health crisis, or where someone needs specialist treatment that falls outside my training and experience.
Where addiction is active, I would normally need the person concerned to be receiving appropriate support and to be sufficiently stable to engage meaningfully in relationship counselling.
Other situations are considered individually. If I don't think I'm the right person to help, I'll be straightforward about that and, where I can, suggest a more appropriate source of support.